


I Ain't Scared of the Fall, I Have Felt The Ground Before

by abadcaseoftiffanyblews



Series: Reasons [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canonical Character Death, Car Accidents, Dorks in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, M/M, Made For Each Other, Slight Soul mate au, Time Skips, Title by the Weeknd, hints of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:19:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4435235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abadcaseoftiffanyblews/pseuds/abadcaseoftiffanyblews
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Eren saw him, their eyes clashed like a summer storm, green vs. gray. And in the undeniable defiance of the gray, he found an understanding he hadn't known he was looking for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Ain't Scared of the Fall, I Have Felt The Ground Before

** One **

 Because the first time Eren saw him, their eyes clashed like a summer storm, green vs.  gray . And in the undeniable defiance of the gray, he found an understanding he hadn't known he was looking for. Because for the whole twenty seconds they had made eye contact, Eren had felt the same type of anger he experienced on a daily basis, and in those twenty seconds, he had been grounded to the Earth when all his life Eren felt he had been floating across a big expanse of nothingness. He had been going through fifteen years of feeling like a ghost. He had looked into the mirror that morning and seen a fragment of himself caught between who he used to be, who he was, and who he wanted to be. The boy had lifted his tanned hand to his face, half expecting it to go through him. But for a whole twenty seconds he had felt his drifting come to a stop and the force of his existence slam into his fifteen year old body like a bullet train, and Eren had never felt so broken and complete at the same time. 

So when the man with the platinum eyes looked away and Eren felt himself start to drift away again, he scrambled up from his chair in the small cafe he found himself in more often than not, throwing cash in the tables general direction and chasing after the short figure. 

He hadn't known what had gotten into him, but it was too late to stop as Eren had reached the dark haired male. Those eyes were on him again,  with  a rather annoyed glint. 

"Yes?" a deep voice emitted from a pair of pink tinted lips, and Eren could have sworn he was dying. 

"I'm sorry, I just..." he started, but he couldn't finish. Why was he bothering this person again? He didn't know, nor could he explain the panic that arose with the idea of never seeing him again. 

"Look  kid, I don't have all day, alright? It's fucking cold, and my balls are about to fall off. So either let go of my coat, or get on with it already."

Eren was slightly surprised by the harsh words, but not in the least hurt. He couldn't stop the chuckle that leaked out of his chapped lips. The man's eyebrows  disappeared  into black hair and Eren didn't miss the small twitch from the right corner of his mouth.

"Will you...give me the  privilege  to buy you coffee?" Eren asked slowly, never before as he ever felt so comfortable speaking to a stranger. Never before has he felt so light. 

"Brat, what are you doing asking out such an old man?" the stranger asked, a hint of curiosity in that gruff voice. 

"I don't know. " Eren replied honestly.

The man sighed, a pale hand rubbing his forhead,"And why the fuck am I going to say yes? But I'm buying. As if I'd let a kid buy me a drink. Tch. "

** Two **

Because on their second date, Levi took him to the outskirts of the city, refusing to tell Eren why. Eren had told his parents he was spending the night at Jean's. It was a well known fact that Jean had a crush on Mikasa, so that meant she couldn't go. Eren wasn't going to risk telling them that he was actually going to spend the night with Levi, a twenty-two year old college student. 

Currently, he was  blind folded , sitting in the passenger side of Levi's piece of shit car. But it got them to where they wanted to go, and then Levi was behind him, chest pressed tightly against Eren's back. 

"I don't know what it is about you. I mean, I've only known you for three weeks , so why does it feel like I could love you forever?" he whispered in Eren's ear, his deep voice resounding in his head. He felt his heart rate pick up then, his breath hitching with  excitement . 

"Levi?" he asked tentatively. 

The shorter male chuckled lightly, " I know right? It's fucking crazy, I should be studying right now, not whispering sweet nothing into an ear of a brat."

Eren stays quiet, relaxing in Levi's arms. He wants to ask him if  to  would still be crazy of he said he felt the same way. That for as long as he could remember, he felt like a piece of him was missing, as cliche as it sounds. That he wouldn't have been surprised if there were a big gaping hole in his chest, he could feel it ache sometimes. That the thought of Levi loving him forever didn't scare him all that much. 

"Can I take the blindfold off now?" he asks instead. There's silence for a minute, then Levi is no longer pressed against his back, and Eren slighlty panics, scared that he upset the older male. But not a minute later there are slender fingers untying the blindfold. 

Eren takes in a gasp as his eyes adjust. They are out in the middle of nowhere, where the poisoned air and the infectious constant light of a busy city cannot reach the beauty of the Earth. His vibrant green eyes look around in wonder at the stars he loves oh so much. The night sky looks more like a child spilled glitter on a black piece of construction paper. It looks like his sister's eyes when she looks at him. Like Levi's hair in the winter sun. 

"Oh, Levi." he whispers, spinning in a small circle trying to take it all in. Eren had seen stars of course, pictures on his computer, the boldest stars that shine defiantly against the toxic light of New York. But he'd never seen them like this, bare and raw against the sky, where the air is sweet and cool against his throat. 

He turns to Levi, the man staring at him with an intensity he could feel. Eren wonders why he wasn't admiring the stars. 

"It's beautiful." he states, once again looking at the spheres of fire he could never dare dream of reaching. They are far too distant, with a beauty Eren could never touch. The thought makes him sad. 

"My mother brought me here once. I could never forget it." Levi says, shrugging. He pops the trunk open, pulling out blankets and a basket.

Amused, Eren asks,"We're having a picnic?"

"That a  problem ?" Levi grumbles.

The bright eyed boy laughs at his grumpiness. "No."

They lay one of the blankets out on the yellowed grass and pull the other blanket loosely around their shoulders. Inside the basket, is portable containers of soup and thermos full of Earl  Grey  tea. 

"You are such a fucking pig." Levi states  monotonously , watching Eren eat. The boy laughs, smiling at him, taking no offense."I guess it could be charming, the way you eat like your starving, at least I know I worked hard for a reason." the older man continues, taking on a faux look of thought. 

They fall into each other, quietly  watching  the night sky, though if Eren had to choose, Levi win easily for the most prettiest. Of course, he'd never tell him that. 

** Three  **

Because in their third month of dating, Eren meets Erwin and Hanji. They were going to a movie and dinner and had about an hour left until the movie began. The two males had been sitting in Levi's shared apartment watching TV when the door had spontaniusly slammed open, banging against the wall, startling Eren. Levi's muscular arm stiffened from where it had been resting around Eren's slender waist. 

"Shitty Glasses, what have I told you about slamming the fucking door?" he says, his voice threateningly low, furtherly frightenting Eren as he had never heard his lover use that tone of voice before. The fifteen year old tried to turn around to see who stood in the door, but Levi did not indulge him, it almost seemed like he was trying to   _keep_   Eren from doing so. 

"Levi!" a bubbly voice practically yells. A thudding that sounds suspiciously like skipping makes its way into their ears. A young woman stops in front of Levi, throwing herself into his open chest. A muffled "umpf" resounds from him, as he  struggles  to remove her, but his arm is caught behind Eren. "You should have told us you were going to be home! We would have come back sooner!"

A grumpy "As if." is heard and a deep chuckle follows from behind Eren. This time the young boy yelps, snapping around to reveal a giant. Electric blue eyes meet his and a smirk tugs at the  man's  lips. Levi's arm twitches around him and the sounds of the struggle stop. Eren feels himself stiffen as he feels eyes on the back of his head. 

"Levi, who's this?" Hanji asks. Eren looks to Levi, wondering how he'll  address  him, slightly nervous. 

"This is Eren." Levi states in an emotionless voice, shoving the girl off his lap. She hits the floor with a thud, but that doesn't seem to faze her. 

"Oooh! Hello there Eren! I'm Hanji!" She exclaims, scrambling up off the floor and pulling Eren off the couch and into a bear hug.

His face is pushed into her breasts, and he feels his neck and ears heat up. Another deep chuckle comes from the giant's direction and then a calm and calculated," Hanji, maybe we should introduce ourselves before you strangle him to death?" 

Her grip tightens and Eren is really struggling to breathe by then, " Erwin, did you not here me just now? I   _did_   introduce myself!" She cries out, clearly fed up with Erwin's ignorance. 'Erwin' answers calmly, " A proper introduction might be in order, hm? The poor kid look terrified." 

Hanji sighs but relents and Eren slides to the floor with a soft 'thump'. A pair of slender hands gently touch his sides and he looks up to find his lover's worried face. He smiles slightly, at a loss for words. 

"Oi, Shitty Glasses, if you touch what's mine again. I'll kill you." he growls, yanking Eren onto his feet. Then he pivots towards Erwin, "And you, control your dog." 

"Levi!" Eren gasps, shocked at his harsh words. Levi was never that harsh with him. Eren, however would be the first to admit that the sight of Levi glaring up at Erwin was rather comical. His shorter lover was tiny compared to Erwin and the amused tilt to the blonde's lips didn't help. 

Levi pats Eren's head in a 'there-there' type of way and continues to glare at the two. Erwin doesn't seem all that offended despite the command and Hanji plops down onto the arm of the couch, practically bouncing. 

The blonde male turns to Eren with a kind smile, " Hello Eren, I'm Erwin, Levi's roommate, and this is Hanji, also Levi's  roommate . It's a pleasure." he says pleasantly. Eren nods slowly, taking the offered hand. 

"Hello, I'm Levi's...erm-"

"Boyfriend. Eren's my boyfriend." Levi says bluntly. The younger male flushes slightly, having never heard Levi call him his boyfriend before. 

"He's so cute!" Hanji squeals, leaping up towards Eren and the boy takes an unintentional step back. She's intercepted by a pale arm and Eren is rather grateful. His ribs still ache. "Ah? Oh, don't worry Levi, your still my adorable midget!"

Eren can't help it, he laughs. The shock and silliness of the situation catches up to him and he cracks up, bending over and howling with laughter. The three college students stare, and soon Hanji starts cackling too and Erwin chuckles a bit. 

"Shitty brat, it's not that funny." Levi growls. He let's go of Hanji's shirt, patting out the wrinkles, "Honestly Hanji, you look so untidy. Take better care of your  appearance ." he huffs, even fixing her brown ponytail. 

Eren watches with a smile, he can tell that Levi cares for the exuberant girl, even if she gets on his nerves(Eren has a feeling that it happens often.) Levi casts an affectionate glance towards Hanji, and Eren's chest bubbles with an emotion  he's not  ready to admit just yet. His lover isn't as cold hearted as he pretends to be. Eren watches as Levi heads toward the kitchen, mutter about drinks for 'shitty people who don't deserve it' and 'hurry the fuck up and drink because we have to go.'

"Wipe that grin off your face Jaeger, you look like a fucking dumbass.' 

** Four **

Because on their four year  anniversary , Eren gets a call from his father in the middle of their dinner. 

"Hello?"

_ "Eren? Oh, God." _

"Dad? Is something wrong? I'm at dinner right now, it's mine and Levi's  anniversary  remember?" 

_ "Eren, it's your mother, son. Oh, no." _

Eren starts to worry at his father's tone, laced with pain. He glances up at Levi, his boyfriend looking back with concern. 

_ "They don't think she's gonna make it Eren. No , Carla, please, please!" _

"Make it? Dad, what are you talking about?"

There's a rustling sound and a distant cry. The sound of sirens raises above the sound of Eren's thudding heart.

_ "Eren, listen to me." _  Mikasa's voice fills his ears and he almost relaxes. After all, his sister makes everything okay, a trait she learned from their mother, a trait that reminds him of Levi. 

_ "We were on our way home from Dad's  conference . There was an accident, a truck rammed into Mom's side of the car. She's still stuck in the car Eren, it doesn't look good. They can't find a way to get her out. Eren, I need you to come quickly! She's not going to make it and she knows it! She wants to say something to you Eren!" _

He feels the world still as he takes in his sister's words. He grips Levi's hand, trying to ground himself. 

"Eren...?" Levi asks quietly. 

_ "Eren, did you hear me, come quickly!" _

 "Where are you, Mikasa?" he asks, he's surprised at the steadiness of his voice. 

She tells him hurriedly, and then they're out of the  restaurant  and speeding down the highway towards his mother. Levi doesn't ask questions, just quickly pays as Eren gets the directions. He keeps glancing over at Eren in the car as he explains what happened. 

When they arrive, they approach the yellow tape surrounding the flipped vehicles, and a lady stops them. Levi shoves her hand away,"It's his mother." he snaps. Eren hears Levi arguing with the lady, hearing "It's dangerous right now" and "Sir! Do not approach the car!"

Eren's knees practically buckle when he takes in the fire engulfed car, afraid he arrived too late. There is broken glass everywhere, and paramedics are rushing around, he sees one attending his struggling father, his arm bleeding heavily, but still strong enough to push them away. He sees Mikasa just as she sees him, and he takes notes of the deep gash running above her left cheek. Dark blood stains her shirt and pale skin. Not too far away a man in rubbing his hand across his  forehead  and Eren can barely make out a few words,"...was dosing off... came outta nowhere."

"Eren!" Mikasa  yells, and he's running to her, watching her black eyes filled with unshed tears, he finds no stars there. "Quickly, go to her, but not too long! They want us to clear the area!"

He's stopped again by a paramedic. 

"Please." he begs, "I have to go to her. Please!"

The man nods slightly, releasing him. , "Just a minute , kid. It's dangerous and w e have to clear the area."

The paramedics stand gravely, as he rushes to the passenger side of his father's car. The door is crippled badly, and he can see why they can't reach her as the door is crushed into her legs. Levi is behind him, silently watching. A comfort in the chaos.

"Eren...? My sweet baby boy..." his mother's soft voice speaks to him.

"It's me Mom, I'm here." he whispers, cursing at himself for not being strong enough to say it louder. Eren is starting to feel like he is fifteen again, drifting away from the Earth, small and scared. 

"Aaah, it's Levi too..." she gulps, and Eren can see a broken chunk of glass ebbed in her throat. "You have to take care of him, Le-Le...He thinks he isn't strong enough to be alone... Pl...ease." She lets out a sharp cry and Eren frantically tries to grab for her. 

"You boys are so silly, thinking I didn't know. Eren's been happier since he met you Levi, I can tell you met long before you told me... one year?...pfft. My baby boy... you need to go, it's getting hotter, it won't-Ah!"

"Mom?!" he calls, looking around for something- anything. Why wasn't anybody helping? They could still save her, all they had to do is take the damn door off!

"...be much longer. Not now...I can... fe-feel it. My sweet boy, I-I" she sighs, frustrated. "I l-lo uuh." Carla starts to vomit, an ugly red bile, and Eren is trying to soothe her, nicking himself on the angry spikes of glass as he rubs her cheek, feeling the heat of the fire  that's  quickly growing closer. 

"Sir! You need to step away now! It's too dangerous!" A man yells, but Eren can barley hear him. She seems to regain some strength, a fierce look that Eren often gets when he is being stubborn. "Levi, you have to get him out of here! He won't go  other wise !"

Strong arms wrap around his waist , and Eren fights, "No! Let go!" But Levi drags him away, kicking and screaming. His mother's face relaxes, but as he watches the cruel flames wrap around her, she reaches out for him and a  horrendous , _** "Don't go!" ** _  fills the area, and Eren answers in his grief, screaming,  " _Mom!"_  

Levi barely manages to pull the young man to safety when the car blows, the explosion knocking them off their feet. Grisha's screams his wife's name, finally breaking free from the paramedic. Mikasa let's out a small cry, and Eren groans into Levi's neck. 

After the family's screams wear off, they gradually become quiet. They take on a creepily similar look of grief, but they are silent in their pain, not a single sound heard. A cop starts talking to Grisha about which morgue and paperwork while another one ushers Levi, Eren, and Mikasa away from the scene. 

They head for Levi's car, but Mikasa abruptly stops and turns toward the cop."...My father, please make sure he gets home safely." The cop nods and then she continues toward the car, holding Eren's hand. It's quiet in the car, and Eren is teetering on the edge of nothing again, drifting around, staring at the road, feeling empty. Guilt eats away at him.  He should have done something to help her. He should have stayed with her so she wouldn't have gone alone... but then what about Levi? And Mikasa and their father? 

"Eren, don't. Don't  disappear  again. We have to...move on and heal. It's okay to grieve, but come back to me okay?" Mikasa says gripping his hand tightly. He stares out the window, "I know, I will. I still have you... and I have Levi... and Dad. I won't go away again Mikasa, I'll heal."

His green eyes meet Levi's in the mirror, green vs.  gray . Like a summer storm. And the platinum is a deep contrast against the scorch from behind his eyelids. He's trying to convince himself that he means those words. That he isn't already losing himself in the guilt and shame and grief. 

 It's only later that night, after his father had returned home, pale with grief, and after Mikasa had fallen asleep against him that Levi speaks. 

"Do you hate me?" he asks quietly.

Eren sighs, "No, I couldn't hate you. She was right... I wouldn't have left her, I wouldn't have been able to."

Levi nods his head, pressing his forhead against Eren's," I'm sorry, Eren."

The boy shakes his head, eyes fluttering closed. "You're so strong, I want to be like you. I don't want to break down everytime something bad happens."

"I break too sometimes...  I'vd  just had more practice dealing with it. You too, you'll get better at it, as you get older, things won't always be so hard; so unbearable." He lifts Eren's chin, his gaze slightly vulnerable, " And I'll be here with you. I'll be your strength when you're weak. I know I don't say it nearly as much as you deserve... but I love you, Eren." 

"I love you too." he says, his weariness starting to win over. He doesn't understand it, how Levi always says just the right thing. How he can make is heart soar even when he's saddled down with sadness.

 Levi  disappears  down the hall, bringing back a wool blanket. He drapes it over Mikasa before lifting her up like she weighs nothing. The girl curls into him, and Eren follows as Levi takes her into her room. The faint sound of his father weeping weighs his heart down with loss and he selfishly wishes that he isn't the one left alone when his and Levi's time comes. Things won't be the same again, and that thought makes him feel like he'd lived a thousand years. Levi looks at him with understanding, like he himself feels the pain. 

"Why do you look like you are hurting?" Eren asks.

"Because you're hurting, and I can't help. I can't heal your pain and I can't erase tonight. And it's killing me, knowing that you'll hurt over this forever. I can give you love and support, but I can't bring your mother home. I'm so sorry, Eren. " he says honestly.

Something about Levi saying his name with such raw honesty makes him feel like he is being stabbed in the heart. Eren wants to say that there is nothing for Levi to be sorry for. That he had no role in this accident. He wants to pull his lover closer and whisper _his_ apologies for the raven haired male's pain, that Eren wishes he could take his pain and throw it away. Instead he says, "You help just by being here, Levi. I could have never carried Mikasa, and I don't think either one of us could have driven home. I could never have hoped to get through this without you. I need you, more than anything. Thank you."

Levi nods, like he understands everything Eren can't say, like he doesn't mind at all and Eren will never understand Levi's never ending patience for him, but he will be eternally grateful. The shorter of the two leads the way to Eren's bedroom. They squeeze onto the twin mattress, and Levi folds Eren into his arms, rubbing his back in small circles. Eren is reminded of his mother, and even though the twinge in his chest is  still  there, warmth and love is too. 

** Five **

Because five months after Carla's death, Eren still can't get out of bed. Despite his words to Mikasa, the boy had crumbled in on himself like a house with walls made out of putty. He swears that his spine had crushed under the weight of his sorrow, and that his ribs had splintered his lungs. Eren swears that he  can't   _fucking breathe_ . He stops eating. Stops leaving the house. Stops talking to Mikasa, even though he hates himself for hurting her. But his body stops functioning, and the only sounds he makes are the small  murmurs  of when he speaks to Levi and the ugly sobs that he can't control.

He misses his mother, feels her  absence  like he lost a limb. He can't remember her voice anymore and that terrifies him. She's fading already, becoming a lost memory. 

He currently lying in bed, as usual, trying to find the will to get up. It's quite confusing he thinks, the deep emotions and the deep emptiness he feels at the same time. He is uncomfortably numb, like he's been sedated. Eren isn't sure what he feels anymore. The drapes in the room are pulled tightly shut, as the light gives him a headache. Those are quite common also. 

Eren has felt the change in him, the constant negative thoughts, the loss of hope that is  unbearably  unlike him. He is not one to shut down like this, he takes his pain and drives forward, but lately the young man just...   _ can't _ . He is so very tired. Yet no matter how much sleep he gets he never rests. Eren thinks he might be a little lost. And part of him believes that he has always been this way. 

The brunette hated how people pretend that once you fall in love, that person becomes the most important and that they make everything fade away. He hates the  romanticism  of falling in love because it makes platonic love seem "unimportant", like it fades out your love for everybody else. This is not the case. After meeting Levi, Eren had felt deeper love. He had grown closer to his parents, and more tolerant of his sister's worry.  

It had made the impact of Carla's death that much stronger. He was diagnosed with depression three months after the accident. The doctor had told Mikasa and Levi that this wasn't going to go away anytime soon, that Eren had teetered on edge of depression all his life and this  latest  'event' had triggered the crossing. He tells them that Eren can get better with the help  pf  pills, even though they just make him feel worse.

Eren is trying to find  something  to grasp onto, but keeps slipping. He's caught in this constant loop of 'I don't belong here anymore' and 'I just need to try harder.' Eren feels like he died the same night his mother did. 

He still loves Levi of course, but love doesn't fix everything. And Levi tells him, "This is not your fault. I have stood where you stand, I have felt that pain. You are the only one who can fix yourself, Eren, because the truth is, is that I could sit here and baby you and wipe your ass and bottle feed you, but that won't do shit. You have to get up out of bed and open the curtains on your own, for yourself. And God, please do it soon, because I miss your voice and I really need to clean behind the curtains." And Eren smiled then, because he loved Levi through his  happiness  and he would love him through his pain. He loved him whole heartedly , and he knew that when this was over he wanted to move on with Levi. 

That's why, when he hears Levi walk into his house and greet Mikasa,Eren shifts towards the door, waiting for his older lover to come slip into bed with him and hold him like he had been for the last five months. 

"Eren." Levi's smooth voice fills the room, and Eren shifts a bit to show he's awake.

Levi enters the room, squeezing onto Eren's tiny bed and spooning the boy. "How are we today?" 

He always asks this question and at first Eren hated it with a passion, snapping out a "How the  _ fuck _  do you  _ think _  I feel?" 

But now he is grateful for it, because he would have never been able to tell Levi how he felt without him asking first. 

"Levi." Eren murmured, twisting so that his nose was buried against Levi's  sturdy  sternum. He rumbles in reply, and Eren continues, " I want to learn to live again. I'm tired of feeling dead. I'm so tired Levi, I just want to sleep and never wake up, but if I do that, I won't get to see you or Mikasa or Dad anymore, so I don't really want to do that either. But it still hurts to breathe and it feels like I'm breaking  when ever  I move. I can fix myself, but I need you to help me. I need somebody to lean on." And the whole time he is saying this, Eren is trying his best to crawl into Levi and become one and Levi nods his head because he  understands . 

He understands the bone crushing  loneliness  and the overwhelming sadness. The inability to move sometimes because your sorrow holds you down with the weight of a thousand things left unsaid and the sharp sting of grief that completely paralyzes you. He understands that it's not like the millions of poems that talk about two a.m and that it sometimes carries over all the way to ten in the morning when everything is no longer dark. That sometimes at nine p.m when you're watching your lover read a book and it is warm and cozy; while everything has come stunningly together you are falling stupendously apart. 

Eren knows that Levi knows. 

And it is moments like this, where he is wrapped in sturdy arms, that he is more in love than ever. When the air is in a constant tug-of-war between their constricted lungs and the full of their lips brush in the most innocent way. It's when the glare of the street lights catch in Levi's plated eyes as they dance back and forth all over Eren's face. The way Levi's sharp nose rests gently on the right side of Eren's and the only sounds in the room is rare puffs as they try to control their subtle breathing, the slight chafe of their clothing against the bed, and the echoing white noise resounding in their heads. Eren feels like he's falling in these moments and he becomes disoriented, confused as to which way is up and which way is down. His heart squeezes painfully because of how much he loves this man, how he will never  conjure  the words to explain just how much he feels for him. He thinks it's okay because that is another thing Levi gets. 

They do this again and again, and Eren is okay with it because in these quiet moments that seem to last eternally, he finds it very hard to think. Like when he is in the car, knowing he'll be on the road for awhile, looking out the window as the world passes from under him, and he just watches and observes. 

Eren knows somewhere out there, a car accident is happening. He knows an old man is watching his wife take her final breaths. That a single mother is watching her child die of disease. Somewhere out in the world they were born in, they are also dying. And he is aware of the pain that millions feel and he acknowledges the happiness,  excitement , anger. He knows that this is something bigger than all of them, that there are other forces that they cannot control. Eren knows the world is unfair and cruel and Mikasa has told him that sometimes if you look hard enough you will find the beauty interlaced with the ugly. He knows that while there are cruel things happening at this very moment. He knows that there is very good things happening. But the only thing that matters is Levi's body and the comfortable weight it brings. The breaths they share as one, intertwined at their souls and at the core of their beings. The feelings they share as lovers and as friends. 

Eren breathes in and out easily, the scent of Levi heavy in his nose and the taste of him sweet on his tongue. Their foreheads are pressed against each other and Levi is staring at him intense enough that he feels like he is melting away, mending into his lover everywhere they touch; at their hands, palms firmly fit, like they were made for each other; at their feet, a mess of toes mixed together; at their chests, the  erratic  beating of hearts overwhelmed with emotion; and at their lips, soft tissue pressed flush against each other in a passion filled frenzy. 

Eren has told Levi that love won't fix him, and Levi has replied with,"It sure as hell  won't  break you."

He  won't  ever tell him, but Levi was right. He remembers this on the aching empty days. He remembers this when the light of jubilation cracks through his curtain of grief. He remembers this when he allows Mikasa to hug him for the first time after his mother's death. He remembers it when he shifts through photo books of his childhood, the pictures of his parents and their children bringing smiles to his face as he feels the love they had for him and his sister. 

He remembers this while he breathes against Levi's rose petal mouth, wrapped in the moment. Eren will never say it, but he is pretty sure Levi already knows.

** Six **

Because five years after they met, on Eren's twentieth birthday, Levi buys an apartment three blocks away from his childhood home, and two streets down from the community college Eren was going to. He hands him a key on a chain to hang around his neck, "Because you'll lose it  other wise . Damn brat.", and says to him, "It's yours when you're ready. Everything's moved in and I've been staying there for a week already... It's nice."

Eren gawks at his boyfriend, he'd had no idea about any of this. "Levi..." He begins, but is cut off. 

"You don't like it?" the raven asks in a gruff voice, looking away. 

"No!" the green eyed boy shouts, startling them both. Eren clears his throat and says, "No I love it, I'm just surprised."

"Well that's the point." The muscular man's cheeks are tinted pink. 

He looks so uncomfortable that Eren can't help but tease him, "What a romantic you are, Levi, I never expected this from you!" he  cooes . His lover's eyes narrow with a dangerous glint, and a wicked smirk takes over his face, "Well I figured it was time, you know? After all it's only a matter of time before someone hears you while we do it. You're so loud Eren. As a matter of fact, I think Erwin might have heard us the other day, that bastard- smirking at me all day..." 

Eren's face glows red and he clamps his hands over the older's mouth, "Okay! I get it." He pouts a bit at Levi's smug expression. But it soon melts into a beautiful smile, "I'm so happy Levi, really this is the best birthday ever."

Levi smiles too and tells Eren he can be as loud as he wants to be that night. After all, nobody would be there to hear them. Just the too of them wrapped up in the euphoric feeling of their love.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you for taking the time to read this piece of shit... It's my first fanfic I've written. I'm not too sure how accurate it was on some parts tbh. I was originally going to write ten reasons, but I got stuck. I'm thinking of writing another four parts revealing Levi's side of things. Hopefully I can continue to write more and improve with time! Ah this piece is so bad but I promise I will try and get better! If there are any mistakes or correction you may have, please let me know. I'm also open to suggestions on my writing!


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